It's Not About You—How Shifting Perspective Can Build Connection and Clarity
Ever catch yourself wondering, "Why did they act that way toward me?" It's natural to take things personally, but what if most of those actions have nothing to do with you?
- Did they act that way because of something I said?
- Is that kid misbehaving because he dislikes me?
- Did that student fall asleep in class because I'm a boring teacher?
- Was that social media post aimed at me?
- Are they ignoring my text because they don't value me?
Now imagine the energy wasted on these assumptions. Misjudging intentions often create wedges in relationships or even causes unnecessary tension in larger communities. Our minds are powerful tools, capable of sparking creativity—but they can also manufacture misunderstandings and chaos.
So, how do we counteract this tendency?
4 Steps to Combat Misinterpretation
1. Remember: Everyone Has a Story
We're all fighting battles—some visible, some hidden. A stressed-out parent might snap, not because they're angry at you but because they're juggling too much. A distant friend might be dealing with their own mental health challenges.
Next time someone's actions seem hurtful, remind yourself that it's likely about their struggles, not your worth.
2. Ask Questions
When in doubt, ask for clarity. Instead of assuming you know someone's intentions, give them an opportunity to explain.
For example:
- That student who fell asleep in class? Perhaps they're dealing with circumstances beyond their control, like family stress or late-night responsibilities. Just ask them, "Hey friend, why are you so sleepy, today?" A simple question can change the dynamic drastically.
- A colleague's short response? Maybe they're swamped with work and not upset with you. "Humble Inquiry" might be your best friend. Just something as simple as, "Hey...is everything ok? What's on your mind?" and genuinely seek to hear what they have to say. *Find more "Humble Inquiry" ideas on the REAL Talk Treasures Map Here.
Asking clarifying questions fosters connection and avoids unnecessary resentment.
3. Take Yourself Out of the Equation
Here's the truth: Most actions are not about you. Seriously. Around 98% of the time, people's behaviors stem from their own situations or emotions. (Okay, I made up that statistic, but you get the point.)
Sure, some people may act out maliciously, but that's the exception, not the rule. Start by assuming positive intent, and you'll notice how much lighter you feel.
4. Cultivate Genuine Empathy
Empathy is the key to bridging gaps. As a dear old friend of mine used to say, "Be kind, because everyone is having a tough time." It's so true.
Empathy means seeing others as real people with real emotions. This becomes even more critical in today's hyper-connected, often judgmental world. On social media, small criticisms can snowball into harmful assumptions. Instead of assuming, what if we paused and extended grace? Try it.
Just a Little Note
When I share my thoughts online or speak publicly, I'm met with both love and criticism. The love is uplifting, but the negativity—even superficial comments about my appearance or physical features—can sting. It's easy to let those moments cloud your day, but I try to remind myself that everyone, including those leaving hurtful comments, is dealing with their own inner battles.
This perspective applies to our students, too. This generation faces intense scrutiny and misperception online and in real life. Imagine the weight they carry and how much it impacts their confidence and relationships. By leading with empathy, we model a healthier way to navigate misunderstandings.
Mindset Shift
What if, from now on, our first thought was:
"This isn't about me." Followed by the thought of..."How can I help?"
When you notice actions or comments that feel directed at you, pause. Instead of reacting with offense, try: Reaching out to ask,
- "Is everything okay?"
- Or, "Hey, I just want you to know I'm here if you need a shoulder to lean on.
- And (for my friends), "If you need a hug, I've got you!"
By choosing curiosity over assumption, we create opportunities for connection and understanding. It takes courage and commitment, but uncovering the real issues behind actions is worth it.
Let's Assume the Best
It's likely not about you. And on the rare occasion, it is? Communicate. Approach the situation with honesty and a willingness to resolve the situation.
Let's commit to being more mindful of how we interpret others. Most people are doing their best to face the day with their unique challenges. Let's assume the best because most likely...it's not about you.
